Some things you need to just let go of...

But why is that so much easier said than done?

It is because my life is such an open book and I expect the same in return? I can't think of one single secret I've kept& I feel like I give 110% of myself in just about everything I do?
Is it too much to ask for the same in return? Or am I getting the same and I'm just in denial because I'm hurt?

Rewind.

I have a wonderful amazing husband. I know he loves me... I know he loves our kids. He's the most hardworking man that I have EVER met in my life. I've never had to question if he is faithful (which is a BIG change from my past relationships)
We have a beautiful home, I am blessed to not have to work.... so why can't I just let this go? Am I just looking for something wrong because in the past I've mastered that art? I wouldn't think that one secret ruin so much? I know not everyone is perfect. I know people (including me) have made choices in life and have to live with them.... but to hide the fact that you have an 18 year old son out there? Seriously?

Maybe it's the fact that he didn't tell me on his own... because he wanted to. The only reason I even found out was because I told him I was heading over to his parents house so all the kids could visit with them. So the ONLY reason he told me was because his son flew into town and I was 30 minutes away from running into him. To an 18 year old that looks EXACTLY like my husband...

I know he has never had a relationship with Adam his whole life (which bothers me in the first place) but his parents have had a relationship with him this whole time... so Dwight would see pictures or get updates from them as to how and what was going on in his life... of course... when I wasn't around. Now that I know... pictures have all of a sudden come out of the woodworks and are ALL over his parents house. Basically like, "the secrets out... Christina knows" Do you know how hard it is to go there and put on a happy face and see all these pictures on the walls that should of been there the whole time but because of ME... they had to be hidden?

Or how hard it is to hear from Dwights mother that Adam is just like Dwight when Dwight was little. I don't even know how to process all of this all this time later. I burried it for so long because I was pregnant and couldn't wrap my head around it.

I'm trying to move past this. Trying to accept the fact that Dwight made a choice when he was in college and he has to live with that. When I asked him why he never told me he said it was because he didn't want me to think that he would leave me... but I can't seem to move past the fact that 5 years... a marriage and 3 kids later he still kept it from me. Again... if he told me on his own I could deal with it... but the only reason he told me was because he had no choice...Adam was in town.
So basically if Adam never flew into Denver... I still wouldn't know to this day.

So now what? Now that I'm not pregnant anymore not one day has went by that I don't think about this. Sometimes when Dwight is talking to me I can't even hear what he is saying... my mind just goes blank and I tune him out and replay the night he told me... I'm trying to understand but I just don't. He won't even talk to me about it... so I'm throwing this out to the cyber world in hopes that typing it out will help me allow me to let it go....